Ankle Update

I didn't think I would need to do another one of these. I am constantly frustrated at how long this injury is taking to heal. I am still at physio...I've been a total of at least 28 times. That's at least 16 hours of physio appointments, 28 hours of driving, another 20 hours of finding a parking spot and walking to the hospital, for a grand total of 64 hours of just physio related time. Then there are Dr's appointments, emergency visits, specialist appointments, pain clinic appointments...all too numerous to remember. All for a stupid broken ankle! It's insane.

My physio therapist is going away in April. She wants me done by the end of March. I'm trying my hardest, but set backs are a bit of a worry for me after the last time. The last one I had took months to settle down. I'd irritated my Achilles tendon. I'm now finally back on track, starting with jumping again - the first step in dynamic movements to enable me to jog again. I am able to hop on two legs with no pain. I am able to hop on the bad foot with some pain, about 6-8 times before I need to stop.

This week I am supposed to go for my first jog! Albeit, and VERY small one. The first time I will be allowed (and able, hopefully) to JOG. Wow. It'll have been 432 days since I was last able to jog.

My flexibility is seeming to level out about now. I still feel like I am just stiff, and that I should be able to keep pushing it, but it's so hard. And discouraging. I keep reminding myself it could be years, if ever, that I am able to walk up and down hill normally. I am a steady 9cm knee-to-wall, sometimes 10. But those last 3-4 cm are huge in reaching fluid movement, I'm finding. My balance and strength are almost perfect. I can now balance on my tippy toes on my bad leg for 20 seconds, 30 on a good day. Same as my good foot. Single leg heel raises are the same too. Even with that, it took a year to build up that strength again (including set-backs).

Through all this, I am incredibly grateful for physiotherapists. I just can't sing their praises highly enough. If I can offer one word of advice from all this, if you injure yourself, do whatever you can to get a Dr's referral for physio. I went to see specialists who didn't think I needed physio, but I insisted (having needed physio in the past a few other times, I already knew the importance). I shudder to think of my progress had I not had instruction on how to go about stretching and exercising my ankle this past year. Even if you have to pay for it, go a few times and get them to write down your exercises. Then go back as often as possible, doing your exercises diligently. I was lucky to be referred by the specialists to the physio centre at the hospital, so I've had my physio sessions included in my general heath care.

Being away on holidays with my sister and brother-in-law for the past 11 days has had some ups and downs with the ankle. We did a lot of swimming, some minor hiking and walking, but it's been enough to cause some swelling and soreness. Nothing too major, but I see that returning to normal is still a little way off yet. I had to force myself to do some things, but it was good to see that I could do it. I'm just so glad I was able to do just about everything everyone else could, and didn't miss out on anything major.

I'll share some holiday photos later...

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One Year

Well, it's been almost a year. It's been 8,756 hours since I was sitting in a ditch with ants crawling down my pants, an ankle the size of a softball, waiting for an ambulance to make its way through the gridlock caused by another entirely more awful disaster of car accidents and a hit and run. That day was a disaster, and so much moreso for many others who lost loved ones in all that chaos. There will be some people remembering today as an anniversary of the day they lost those they loved most. A man lost two of his daughters in a terrible car accident. Another man died in a fiery head-on collision after speeding away from the hit-and-run he just committed. I still have the newspaper from the day after.

So I know I don't have much to complain about, and I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but this has not been an easy year. I'm still mad about it sometimes. I know there is no one to be mad at but myself, and...I guess I am mad at myself. This year has SUCKED! There has been good times, but a lot of struggles too. I am still working on getting myself back to normal, or at least a version of normal that I can live with. I NEVER would have thought a broken ankle could be such a pain in the butt...I hate thinking about how long it will take to be able to run, or jog, or swim in the waves again. It's depressing. So, moving on...instead I think I will share some of the things I have learned this year:

* I love my husband so much! I don't know how he took such good care of me for so long! I was a disaster at first. I fell over in the shower, I fell over on stairs, I had a million dr's appointments, I needed medication all the time, he had to bring me food and water, but we couldn't let it sit out because there were ants all over the place, so I was constantly calling on him. He brought me food and pills and cold drinks when I would go next door to sit in the air conditioning, he took such good care of me!

*Nurses are a special breed of people. I couldn't do it. The people I had to share a room with in the hospital were awful to the nurses, and yet they were still sympathetic and helpful (except one, but I will give her the benefit of the doubt, and say she was just having a really bad day). That takes strength and character. I admire them so much for the work they do, so much of it thankless.

*Patience. But I still need more of it. Life on crutches is not simple. Everything you planned to do gets put on hold, and the rest of it takes 5 times longer. Not enough of the house cleaning gets done. But not because I didn't have a husband who was trying...because taking care of someone else completely, taking care of yourself, and taking care of a household and working is not easy. Also the fact that we live so close to the ocean, and the sea spray made the floor too slippery for me to use crutches inside, so we used a wheelchair which made dirt tracks all over the floor. The floor was a constant mess of a dirty salty film, and dirty floors make me insane. I really learned to just live with what I had to live with. Sometimes you have to shut off the neurotic part of your brain if you don't want to have a meltdown. I'm still working on shutting that part off more often.

* Sympathy. I think I've always had a good amount of it, but now I truly know how hard some injuries can be. Now I know the world is not built to accommodate people in wheelchairs, or other physical disabilities. Now I know how healthy people actually view a person who is slow or cumbersome. They are annoyed and get easily frustrated. I suppose this falls under patience as well. I will never lose my cool around someone who is slow or cumbersome. Not all injuries are visibly obvious, and I sure got looks and a few comments from people who didn't think I needed a wheelchair, and from drivers who think I should run to get out of their way.

*God takes care of His children. I always knew this, but it was very cool to see it confirmed so many times. First because of the financial crisis, I lost my job. It then turned out to be ok, since I couldn't work anyway - I was in way too much pain to sit still for long, let alone concentrate on anything remotely needing concentration. So, that means I earned no money for over 6 months, and eventually made way less than half of what I earned the year before. But guess what, we never were left needing a thing. Not once. We couldn't go out, so spending money was not a temptation, but losing out on so much income was not the worst thing ever, and in fact a lesser worry than I would have thought. Hubby was still working, and we always had enough. We both work contract from home, so it's not a secure life by any means, but anytime I started to get concerned, a job always came through. I couldn't have broke my leg at a better time. I know there are lower lows than mine, and I am so grateful that we've come out of this with as much security as we did. I don't believe a sign of God's provision is necessarily money (Matthew 19:16-24). I didn't come out of this with a savings account, nor did I ask for one - I came out of this with a confidence in how God provides for us, which is what I asked for. I came out of this realizing how trivial so many of my worries are (Matthew 6:25-43). A good quote I came across:

We can't expect to receive if our purpose in asking is to make our rebellion more comfortable.

*Old people are awesome! I've met so many elderly people from all my visits to the hospital this past year, and I love them! They are so interesting, and friendly, and sure do put up with a lot. People are rude and impatient with them, yet they soldier on. Family who live near them rarely see them, yet they tell me they understand, and are just grateful for any visits they get. They deserve so much more from us.

I think it's important to look back and see what you can take out of a bad situation. I think it's also ok to be upset about a bad situation too. It's just important you don't linger there too often for too long.

I might as well give an update now. I am still going to physio, now once every 3 weeks, since progress is so slow. But, I am starting to jump again, and just taking it REALLY slow this time. I am doing small hops, starting with 10, increasing every few days, among other more dynamic exercises. I am still gaining slightly more flexibility, but it's still not good. I still have trouble walking up and down hills and stairs. I am still on meds for nerve pain. I am still tired a lot, and still unable to concentrate and remember things as well as I used to. I have another nerve specialist appointment in April, and I will probably get another block done. I have a lot less pain though, which is SO fantastic! It seems the healing process has been directly affected by the nerve problems, and once those settled down, I noticed improvements almost immediately. But this took months to happen, and so things might never get back to normal. I still don't know. I am still having problems with infection on my bad foot, and I have a toenail which just will not heal. I cannot wear shoes, since it hurts too much. So, I think I need to suck it up, and fork out the bucks to see a podiatrist, otherwise I might end up needing another surgery, my GP told me.

Fun times, right?....but I went for my first REAL swim last week. It was amazing! I was able to kick my legs, and it was sore, but so good! A huge milestone. It's been a year since I was able to SWIM! And we found the best place to go too. No waves, no current, hopefully no sharks either.

I hope this year will be a good one. I plan to get back into shape, and lose some more weight. I plan to do a lot of swimming, and spend a lot of time with my family. We're taking a few vacations this year, we hope, and trying new things too. I hope to make up for the last 8760 hours :)

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Nerve Block, Part II

I went back to the pain clinic today and received the next nerve block. My previous one has worked fairly well, and it's been a lot nicer to live without the pain. I still get it, shooting pains, stabbing pains, whatever you want to call them. They feel like someone is pushing a pin into you, or you're standing on an ant hill, and the little buggers mad about it. You can't not jerk from the pain. It's sudden, but then it goes away, usually fairly quickly too, which is good. (Here is a page I look at all the time, to see what is going on in my foot.)

The nerve block I got today was a Radiofrequency Nerve Ablation. It was actually kind of funny (to me anyhow). Those squeamish about needles, skip this paragraph. The Dr. was kind and first injected me with a little bit of anesthetic. I was sitting on the bed with my left foot (the bad one) laying on the bed, with the inside of my ankle facing up. The nerve I am having trouble with branches off just beside that little ankle bone bump everyone has. You know, the bone that always gets cut on the chain of your bicycle when you're a kid. So I'm in fairly close watching distance. Needles do not bother me. In fact, I am quite interested to watch and see how everything is done. I think people who are scared of needles don't realize how shallow most of them go in you. This nerve branch is surprisingly close to the surface. Anyhoo, so then the nerve block starts. As far as I know, another needle of sorts is pushed in, and that is connected to the radio machine thingy by wires. Boy, this Dr. was accurate! I was watching him inject this second needle, and almost instantly he hit the nerve branch. It was like a tingling, spreading through my foot. It felt like I could feel every little branch come alive, and the tingling just radiated from my ankle to my toes. It was uncomfortable, but interesting, amusing. He then turned on the machine, and my whole body began pulsing, from my foot, to my leg, which was then just shaking my whole body! It was so funny! I'm sitting on the bed, looking like I am on some sort of amusement park ride! I was laughing my head off. I have no idea how the needle stayed in. I was really moving.

It was such a weird sensation, pulsing through my nerves. And then my foot started to go numb, as the pulsing calmed down. I was physically trying to hold my leg on the table, but it didn't work in the slightest, I was bouncing around like crazy. It reminds me of those things that used to be on those infomercials: Dr. Ho's something-or-others. These pads that you place on muscles, and it causes them to contract involuntarily. I remember a friend had them, and we used to put them on our arms, and our hands would turn into claws, and go all creepy. We thought it was hilarious. They also used to put those things on me when I had my slipped discs in my back, but they didn't work quite so hilariously.



But, my foot stayed relatively numb, like it was asleep, for probably a good hour or so. I had a bunch of errands to run, so I'm not really sure. I'm a bit sore now, and a little bit swollen too, from the injection site, but for the most part, so far so good. Any numbness is a welcome trade-off if it means I can get back to a normal life again. The Dr. recommended I keep on my meds for another 6 months at least, when I will see him again. But I am allowed to cut back as much as I can, which I am SO looking forward to.

The side effects are not so great. As well as most of the listed side effects, I think I now realize what it's like to have attention deficit disorder or something. I have such a problem focusing, remembering, learning for that matter. Even when I focus on staying focused, I somehow can't keep it up for long. It's so weird. I really try hard to focus, but I can't. It's like my eyes start wandering without my brain noticing. I am still working, but I really have to concentrate, and double check my work meticulously. So far so good on that front too, though. I can usually pull it all together, and at least I know what I am doing. I think if I had to retrain for a job, it might be another story.

Now, a good 14 hours on from the nerve block, I can feel some pain, but it's not too bad. More of a burning, and a rippling feeling. My toenail is getting better too, since the first nerve block. That seems to confirm that the nerve damage, or the original injury, has changed the physiology in my foot. I'm not entirely sure I understand how that can happen, but I'll have a look online. That's what the Dr's say. I'm still having trouble wearing shoes because of it, but at the same time the Dr. said I need to be especially careful since my nerves have been dulled, and I could easily do more damage because I don't feel the pain immediately.

And I have noticed that. I've been walking around, and suddenly realize I'm standing on some random item that fell on the floor, or like a pebble or something, and all of the sudden the pain hits, but by then it's too late, so it sticks around for a while. I'm so protective of my foot too. You should see me dance around when there are people who need to get by me, or when someone steps over you to say get to their seat in a movie theatre. I have a fear of a stranger accidentally causing me immense pain, and I won't be able to hide that fact. It would make them feel far worse than they need to, and I would feel like I am some sort of drama queen!

Phew, enough foot talk....Back to the ankle (heehee). I'll be quick. Still on a no-exercise regime because of the tissue in my heel/ankle. I talked to my physio last time, and she better explained what is happening, but I'm still not fully clear. But basically, since I haven't had complete range of motion in my foot since Jan 15, the tissue behind the tendon at the back of my ankle, above my heel is pinching, and therefore very inflamed. Supposedly this gets worse the longer you ignore it, and hence the no exercise regime. This needs to clear up before I can get back to jumping rope. It's actually quite painful too; sometimes I wake up at night from it. But it's nothing in comparison to nerve damage.

It's just so frustrating to hit so many road blocks. Everyone I talk to is amazed I am still having this much trouble. I am too. But, on the bright side, I am still allowed to stretch and do my knee-to-wall exercises. And I am getting a fairly consistent 7-9 cms, which is so good! I have about 8 cm to go, to be the same as my good leg. But even where things are now I am able to walk pretty normally down stairs, and down hills now. I have no limp most of the time too.

I'm in a relatively good place... it could be better (the drugs, the no exercise thing), but at least I am functioning.

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Break

I have to take a break from recovery for a while. Seems my new found muscle strength is causing other problems. I've already taken two weeks off now. Two weeks ago at physio I got an ultrasound treatment and a massage. Same thing today too, and I will be going back next week for another treatment.

Tracey, my physiotherapist says it's normal, considering, but it's just too bad. I was excited to be getting back into exercising again. I'd like to get back into shape, and then some, but it's important to really go slowly. I don't know exactly what I am doing to my heel area, but she says it's better to let things settle down than risk another injury. What can I do? It's really frustrating. If it gets worse, I will need to be immobilized! I can't even casually point my toes, let alone do the heel raises and jump rope.

Seriously, who'd have thought a broken ankle would take this long to heal? It's consumed my entire year so far (except the first two weeks of Jan). When I think of it like that, it's beyond frustrating. Most of this year was spent lying in bed! It makes me want to scream and cry; this was my last year of my 20's, and I laid in bed. The remainder of the year has been spent trying to walk again, trying to find relief from nerve pain, and now, just trying to live normally. I have an ankle-related appointment of some sort just about every week. I do far more driving than I ever have, yet do far less recreational activities than ever. Uhhhhhggg!!!!

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Nerve Block

I finally had my pain clinic appointment on Monday. The Dr. was great, and sympathetic, and sorry that it took so long for me to get in. And I confirmed that the TWO previous referrals I had were never forwarded to the pain clinic at all. That means I waited months longer than I should have. And now that I know what it's like to be almost pain free, I realize how much pain I still had until Monday.

Anyhow, I got a nerve block! This one is only a small (?) one to tide me over until I get the real one. I was injected with a sort of anesthetic into the area where the main nerve that gets info from the side, and bottom of my foot. I believe it's called the medial plantar nerve (*edit: the medial plantar nerve comes from the tibial nerve, which is the main nerve that branches to your feet). He injected the general area, and within about 5 minutes I noticed the pain was gone (I now realize, it's not all gone, but mostly gone). This one will last from 3 to 6 months. He had a bit of trouble injecting me from all the scar tissue still in the area. Now this is all making sense to me. That same area of the injection site, is the same area my tibia was dislocated into, and pushing on, almost to the breaking point of my skin. No wonder there is scar tissue, and the nerve is angry.

Sometime soon I will be going back in for a radio scan (?) to find the exact location of the nerve, and then they will inject it directly. I can't wait.

This also means I should be able to get off the drugs, which would be fantastic. I take for granted that I don't need these meds normally. The side effects are not easy to get used to. He has also got me on a new anti-convulsant to help further with the nerve pain issues. This time I am on Gabapentin. It's similar to Lyrica, but I am not quite so dumb on it. I am having the dizzy and tiredness issues, and some slight problems with focusing. I was worried it would keep me from doing my work properly, but so far it hasn't. I have to up my dose tonight to 900mg from 600mg. That might push me over the edge. At least it's the weekend, and I have a few days to try and get a handle on things.

Another annoyance has been that for some time now (since I began physio), my toe/s have been infected on the sides of the toenail on my bad foot. The only thing I can think of is that I cut my nails too short, and because things are all messed up in my foot, it's super sensitive, and it's been reacting weirdly. This has been excruciating, stopping me from physio exercises properly, and making me terribly concerned about bumping or stubbing my toe. Even a slight bump into something, like a towel on the floor, causes an unreasonable amount of pain. But within minutes of the nerve block, that pain more or less disappeared, and I can now see the infections are lessening, and my toes are returning back to normal. I didn't even think the nerve block would help that.

Other things used to cause unreasonable pain as well. Like going barefoot (even inside), or putting on and taking off socks and shoes, washing my foot in the shower, sliding my foot along the floor, or even sliding my foot while in bed between the sheet and cover. It's ridiculous. Even the pattern etched into my Havaiana's bothers me, but it's better than going barefoot. Since the nerve block, all of those things have gotten so much better now.

The past week and half, I haven't really been doing physio since I am pinching something in my heel, and I am supposed to let it heal properly before continuing with some of my strength exercises. A few weeks back, they got me to start jumping rope. It's been going well, until this, but I hope to get back to normal exercises again soon.

So it's been a slower week (and a half) in physio progression, but a nice week when it comes to the nerve issues.

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31 Weeks

Still getting there...slowly still, but progressing. My new physio instructions are gearing me up to start running, but I don't know when that will be. Right now she's got me jumping and as soon as I can, hopping on the bad leg alone. Jumping feels so weird. I can't explain it, other than it feels like you injured your foot and then you are jumping on it. I'm so sore at the back of my heel. But now I can jump to see what's in the top cupboards, instead of getting Adam to have a look for me.

To make everything take even longer, I hurt my back about two weeks ago, and have to take it a lot slower. I spent 3 days in bed, in pain, and I don't know what I did, except lean over to brush my teeth (and I even leaned over they way physio told me to, bend at the hips!). I think it was just muscular though, as I know what it feels like to herniate disks. I am still a little sore, though back to normal activities again.

I must be getting old. Long ago, I remember thinking, how could anyone hurt only muscle, and not be able to move? Now I know. You sure recover quicker as a kid, and I never remember being so sore as a kid. I also now see that if you stop moving, your body deteriorates quickly, and I can see how the elderly go downhill fast when they get sick, and have to stay in bed for weeks. It's so important to keep moving.

I've also learned that weight-baring exercise is the best for your bones, so if you want to keep healthy, you need to lift weights AND do cardio. I think people think cardio is good enough, but you need those weight-baring exercises to keep your bones strong.

I still plan on making a full recovery...we'll see how that goes. As long as I can jump on the trampoline again, go snowboarding, hike Mt Coolum, and run on the beach, I will be happy. I'm fine with everlasting pain (not nerve pain though!), as long as I can move like I used to.

Knee to wall was my best yet last week - 7.5cm!

The nerve pain specialist appointment is a week from Monday. I am so happy. I am hoping for good news, but slightly worried about hearing "chronic pain" or "regional pain syndrome". I really want off of these drugs.

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29 Weeks

I went to my final specialist appointment today. Big waste of time, but I suppose it was important to go. I am allowed to start running, if I can, as long as I don't fall, he says. That's good news at least. And a lump that has been bothering me is only scar tissue, so that's good news too.

Somehow, minutes before I was supposed to leave for the appointment, I hurt my back. I could barely walk, and driving was probably not the smartest idea. As soon as I got home, I took the rest of my left over morphine tablets, and went to bed. Seems I might be here for a few days now though. What is UP with me? Drama seems to follow me wherever I go. This is excruciating too. I think I may have hurt myself because I have been trying to catch up on the last 6 months without a decent work-out. I did a large number of sit-ups yesterday, and I must have not used proper form. At least it feels muscular, and not more sciatic. Hopefully all I need is a good sleep since I have so much to do around here! I am still catching up on properly cleaning the house, and the blinds and walls are in desperate need of a clean. I also have 4 loads of un-folded laundry!

Other than my failing body, I got the call I have been waiting for! I am booked in for the pain clinic! I'm so happy. I once again cried after I got the call. But it's so sad to get the call and have them ask you if you still want an appointment, like you might be over your little wussy hissy-fit bout of pain? They know it's been months, and maybe some people are ok now? I just get so angry at the drug addicts clogging the system for people who really need to see the pain specialists. Some people are waiting for more than a year. I have waited about 6 months. I was just thinking about how bad the pain was in the beginning. And it's awful to think, but I know I would not have been able to live with that pain for this long. I was already thinking of ways to get myself re-admitted to the hospital by the time I found some meds which helped me. What did they do before modern medicine? I know I couldn't live a life like the one I was living. It was torture.

All in all, foot / ankle / leg is healing. It kind of reminds me of what it's like when you take your car in for a tune up, and you have to get used to all the new feelings and noises. My ankle cracks differently than it used to, and my muscles feel different too, where the break was. It's like having a new leg to get to know. Nerve pain is also changing again. I am way less sensitive now, and the burning feeling is coming back. It feels like when you come inside after playing in the snow.

My physio is going well, I am balancing on my tippy-toes, and I got to 20 seconds one day! The heel raises are hit or miss. Sometimes I am so sore from a work-out / physio the day earlier, that I can't lift myself up onto my tippy-toes on the bad side. The acute pain is pretty much gone, except for the odd time, and I have taken the ski-boot off (ie, it felt like I was wearing a ski boot on my bad side)! I can now walk down the stairs almost normally, and not need the handrail. I can walk on the flat road normally! Downhill is still an issue, but getting better. Knee to wall is consistently 4-5cm. I still have hit or miss days, but it still feels like I am making progress.

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28 Weeks

Things are going well this week. I am now at physio once every two weeks. My physio therapist has also changed, which is fine, but I liked who I had too. He really pushed me. They've tested my strength again, comparing to the good side, and things are starting to equal out though I am still quite a way off yet. My new exercises are to balance on one foot on my tippy toes for as long as possible. Whew, that one is tough. I have about 30 seconds on my good side, and like 5 seconds on my bad side. I am also supposed to do heel raises on one leg now, which I can do now! I can't quite lift myself all the way up on my bad foot, but getting there. I can do about 12 in a row right now. I am also not getting that acute pain when I walk anymore either. Yay! I am still doing the knee to wall, and it's slow going. I manage to get about 4 cm consistenly now, but it's quite painful. But that's the one I need. I will hopefully start being able to run soon too. Possibly in 2 weeks we'll try. Anyhow, that's the update. Slow going, but getting there...

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Weeks 24, 25, 26 & 27

These are notes I have been taking over the last 3.5 weeks, feel free to not read this :)

____{**Week24**}____

I wasn't going to keep posting progress notes, but I might find it interesting later on...and you don't have to read it anyhow. I know it's boring. This week has also been slow. And I am so sick of this. I am having dreams where I am running on the beach, and I had another dream last night where I was hiking, and I was so strong I was carrying other people down on my shoulders. *sigh*

I tried riding bike last week, and that was good. Except our tire pump broke, so can't ride again until we get a new one. I also tried to walk down to the beach. I didn't get very far, like, not even to the beach. I really am hating this. I'm so tired all the time, I can't get enough done to keep ahead of the game, and I just get so down on myself. I can easily sleep for 12 hours a day, and have a nap somewhere in the middle.

Knee to wall was still the same. 3cm, if I can even get that. But it has been more consistent. Last week's physio was really good. They tried a few other techniques, which did work really well. It's amazing. I was having a really sore and stiff day, barely getting the knee-to-wall, but they put a small wedge under my heel near the arch of my foot, and suddenly I could do an easy 2cm knee-to-wall with no pain. I was walking better and faster, and it felt great! They then taped me up using sports tape, and I am told to keep it on for as long as I can. It feels great. The pain has shifted, and is more acute, but I feel stronger and more stable, and I am walking almost without a limp. I love physio. The ski boot has been downgraded!

But, all in all, I just want to get off these nerve drugs, and see some dr's at the pain clinic and get back to NORMAL. Normal would be so nice. I haven't touched the ocean in 24 weeks. I haven't done a whole lot of anything in 24 weeks.

____{**Week25**}____

I touched the ocean! Week 25 has been quite good! I even cried. It felt absolutely amazing to walk on sand again! I didn't realize it, but I was kind of holding the ocean as a goal, as a goal that means I am almost better, since walking down to the ocean on my beach is no small feat for someone with a broken ankle. It's deep and steep sand that you have to walk over to get to the water. I was so happy. I am so happy. It's still a long road, but I am feeling up to the challenge again.





I had a day of a lot of walking, and it was pretty difficult. I was very sore, and tense. I kept waking up with cramps in my foot that night. It's brutal. I find it hard to do my exercises because my foots twists and cramps up very easily. I've had to rope hubby into some foot massages, which seem to help a lot. I tend to tense up while I walk, since my foot gets quite sore while I walk. As you put all your body weight onto your foot, it spreads out, and I find that quite painful still. Pretty much all my waking hours feel like I have just moved from an uncomfortable position, and need to stretch.

Physio was great this week, and not quite so intensive. But now we're getting somewhere. I don't know what triggered the sudden improvements either. I might be leaving that plateau now. I am now able to do everything more or less normally too. I got 5cm away from the wall in my knee-to-wall exercises too, which was so great!

____{**Week26**}____

SIX MONTHS. I can't believe it's been 6 months to the day (minus about 3.5 hours). What an ordeal. I never expected this. The night I fell, I thought, "crap, but whatever, I will home tonight, and have a cast for 6 weeks. It's going to suck, but it'll be over shortly". Ha. Actually it's not funny at all. Anyhow, the worst is over, I hope!

I had another good week! And Physio was informative for me too. I am now moving onto more strength training, and intense exercises, like balancing on my bad leg, and once I can do that, balancing on my bad leg while standing on a pillow. Then I move to balancing with eyes closed. Already I can now balance on my bad leg for 15 seconds! I am doing heel raises, and moving onto single heel raises (by raising my heel while on my bad leg - ie. standing only on my bad leg on my tippy-toes.) I am walking pretty much normal speed, but sometimes I am reduced to an old lady limp. I am now being cut down to physio every two weeks! It's so great, I am finally getting somewhere! I have also cut back on my nerve meds by 1/3 and so far so good. I've been on the lower dose for 6 days now, and I seem to be coping with that, which almost makes me want to cry. I was so scared of developing chronic nerve pain (which I still might), but it seems to be lessening now that I am getting even more back to normal. My flexibility has noticably impoved a lot in the last two weeks as well.

I went for a real walk in the sand today, and it was hard, but good! My joint *feels* perfectly healthy and strong - I hope it really is. It just seems my muscles still need some development. I kind of feel like you do when your foot falls asleep, but you need to get up and walk anyhow. I don't mean the tingling, but the careful placement of your foot so you don't hyper-extend anything. It's like you semi-trust your joints and muscles to carry you, even if you can't quite feel what is going on. I can feel everything, but I walk like I can't. I just make a step and hope I keep stable. But I am feeling a lot stronger now, able to lead with my bad leg and trust it to carry my full weight by itself, if only for a few seconds.

So, I am once again hopeful I will heal nicely!

____{**Week27**}____

I am only half way into week 27, and once again I am disheartened. I am having such acute pain in my joint, I cannot walk sometimes. But when the times are good, I can walk almost normally. It seems to be either really good, or really bad. I am not liking this more painful experience. I don't feel as sore all over, but I definitely get pain a lot stronger now, but only in one area. I am getting stronger and stronger though, and I keep noticing that. I need to keep positive. I am still having trouble with my sleeping too. I am constantly tired from the anti-depressants, and I just cannot wait to get off them! Anyhow, I have some beautiful photos to post, but my computer STILL isn't back yet from the shop...

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23 Weeks

Slowly but surely. I made it to 3cm on my knee-to-wall in physio this week. But I am shaking like a leaf from fatigue. I have no muscle strength. And my physio exercises cause me to wake up in painful cramps. I am so sore after physio, it pretty much takes my entire day away from me. My meds make me so sleepy, that when I finally force myself to rest, I fall asleep. I can't lay down without falling asleep, but I need to lay down to help with the pain and swelling. Nerve pain is lessening though, which is FANTASTIC! But I am still having nerve problems. I cut my toe nail too short on my bad foot, and it has been excruciating. If I knock it on something, or brush it against something, I sit down and wait for it to register. The pain, slow in coming, comes in 10-fold force. Can't wait to close this chapter. Who'd have thought....

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22 Weeks

Another rough day at physio. And I was early...and was late in getting out. It was a long session. And painful too. I can't believe how long this plateau is becoming. I'm so swollen. See? Yuk. No progress. In fact, I regressed. I was very stiff and sore this morning before physio, and now it's 10 times worse. Rough day, all around...

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21 Weeks

Phew, physio was tough this week. And I did not make much progress. I'm about 2.5 cm (1") from the wall now, if even that. No point in a photo, as it doesn't look much different. I tried some more strength exercises to see if my muscle has built up at all. I cannot, for the life of me, lift myself up on my tippy-toes with my bad leg. My good leg is no problem. I can even balance on my tippy-toed good leg. I also took my measurements again, and I am now 1.5" smaller than my good leg (not 2", as I was right after surgery) around my calf & quad. Not sure if that has to do with muscle gain or loss, since I didn't write down the measurements, just took note of the differences. I do feel a little better, like it's getting easier to walk downstairs. For the first time yesterday, I didn't use the handrail as I walked downstairs. Anyhow, not much to take note of this week.

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20 Weeks & Sick

(I meant to post this on the 4th!)

Well, I got the flu, the one I thought I would avoid, since I haven't been sick in over 2 years. I don't know how I've managed to avoid getting sick (minus some tonsillitis for a good few months last year, but I felt fine, I just couldn't swallow).

Last night I think I was hot with a fever, since I dreamed that I bought my sister Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle candles from a little favorite shop of mine, and I woke up very mad at myself for spending money on some stupid lame candles, when I could have got such other cool stuff. It took me a while to realize I may have been hallucinating somewhat. The dream was so vivid.

And, just in time for Physio, I got a splitting headache and runny nose. But I'm too freaked to miss physio. I'm scared of all the things still from last week, but a slight fear of my joint seizing up, and leaving me in this constant ski-boot stage is not a nice thought. I must have hyper-vigilance. Re-reading this sounds mental. I know I'll be fine...eventually...right?

But, after some hard core manipulation on my joint, I was able to move about 2cm away from the wall, and still touch it with my knee. Last week was hit or miss, keeping the flexibility I had obtained, so I think this week might be much the same. Jessie (my physio guy) noticed that I was a lot more swollen than usual, which I have also been noticing in the past 2 weeks. I am supposed to spend more time resting than I have, and elevate my foot again.


The swelling looks so yuk, and feels all squishy and liquidy. I don't like it one bit. I have one cankle now. My ankles used to be such a nice feature, second only to my nose (which has so far managed to stay cute and little). So now I have lost half of my second best feature. But, such is life, right? I'm not going to have nice ankles forever anyway. Anyhow, I have bigger fish to fry than a measly cankle, like, say the fact that rest of my body could stand to lose a bit of "swelling".

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19 Weeks

The crutches are gone now. I returned them this week at physio. And it felt great! I am now pretty much doing all normal house-hold activities. My strategically placed chairs (in the bathroom, the kitchen, the shower, etc, placed for kneeling on) are all put back to their normal places. I can now put away laundry all by myself. I can now go get the meat out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. I can now put away the clean dishes at a normal pace, and not get hung up on the cupboard handles with the wheelchair. It feels so good to be independent again.

I am sewing again, and being creative again, and I love it. I didn't realize how much I missed everything, but now I remember why not having a tv has never left me bored. (Maybe you're confused, but we live above a garage, and all my sewing & craft related things are in the garage - so is the freezer!) Everything has been difficult to get to, and I was so sick of getting Adam to do everything for me, so I decided to wait until I could do things myself, ie, being able to carry things and walk downstairs to the garage to do my crafty thingies.

But despite all the goodness, and feelings of normal (I even had a dream this week where I went for a jog!) this week has been the slowest in recovery. I am so sore and achy, and was quite swollen this week. The nerve pain is still there, and hitting me in more random ways, not mainly at night anymore, but throughout the day. I don't think it's getting worse though, but it's definitely not getting better. I didn't go for walks everyday this week either, since I think standing, and doing chores was too much already. I'm finding it hard to just say to myself that I need a break, since it feels so good to be up and about.

I am having a hard time being patient. Being so close to the "finish line", but still being so far off at the same time is incredibly frustrating. I've been feeling a bit scared too, and had a rough day yesterday. I'm scared that this nerve pain will never go away (that can happen), and that I will always feel like I am wearing a ski boot, that I won't be able to go on a hike again, or go for a run on the beach. I'm just a bit scared.

There is still such a distance to go yet. Here is my progress photo. I touched the wall this week at physio, and my goal is to keep this level up for next week. I feel a little less ski-boot-ish, but it still feels as though I am flexing in a way that I shouldn't be allowed to. It's quite painful to push this position.

I cant wait for this to be over. I just want to be normal again.

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18 Weeks

So far so good. Physio has really been helping, and I am so happy for it. I originally had to insist to get referred, and I am so glad I did. The ankle bone that my leg bones pivot from has been pushed forwards, and I am having trouble flexing my ankle enough to walk downhill, or downstairs properly. The best I can explain how it feels, would be like wearing a ski boot on one foot. Here is this week's progress. At physio I managed to get about 1" away from the wall, which felt good. I am more stiff today, but I can get there when I push. I tried cutting back my nerve meds, but the pain returned in full force (though I didn't let it get to the unbearable point). So, it seems I will be on meds for a while longer, which is too bad. They make me so sleepy - I hate it....

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It's not 'goodbye', it's 'see ya later'

17 Weeks:

Ok, back on crutches. Good thing I didn't give them back on Tuesday, like I was planning to. I am very sore today! I had a long walk (took me 20 mins each way) to the hospital yesterday to do physio. Plus a stop at the post office and grocery store. I could barely walk up the stairs when I got home.

Hastily, I decided to become independent again, and drove myself to physio, while Adam slept in silence from an all-nighter to meet a deadline. Driving felt wonderful, since I haven't in 4 months-to the day. I thought my Canadian brain would revert to driving on the right side of the road, but I was fine. But I think I might need a driver next week, if I have to park that far away again.

Physio was so good. I was so impressed. I love physio. There's nothing they can't do. I've spent my fair share in physio in the past. This will be nothing like what I've had to do before, but I will be going once a week, for 6-8 weeks they think, before I will be back to normal. NORMAL. I will be so exstatic if normal happens.

I am having flexibility issues, which is because my ankle bone, which the tib & fib pivot from, has been pushed forwards slightly. It's causing me to not be able to bend properly. Like, if I stand 3-4" from a wall, and try to get my knee to touch the wall, without lifting my heel, I can't. I can't even stand 0" from the wall and get my knee to touch. They did some manipulation, to try and loosen ligaments, and get that bone back to it's proper place.

_________

Good Leg _____________ Bad Leg

They also did some strength and balancing tests. I could easily stand on my good leg, relaxed, and unmoved for a minute. I stood, for 3 seconds, if that, arms flailing wildly, on my bad leg. I can now physically see the difference in flex in my joints with the tests they did. But, considering the injury, they (there were 3 of them) were impressed with my mobility so far.

Besides being quite sore today, I have had noticable improvements daily. I can't wait for next week...

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Goodbye to the wheelchair & crutches!

I am walking! For real now! I did the block with Adam yesterday, and there wasn't a crutch in sight! It was not easy, or quick, but it was by myself, and it feels so good! I never knew how tall I was until now either. Using crutches, you're hunched over a lot, as you're always leaning forwards And then in the house, I was in the wheelchair most of the time. I forgot that I could see into the top cupboards, and see above the fridge, and when I do the dishes, the water doesn't spray in my face anymore! And when I fry bacon, hot oil doesn't splash in my face anymore! And when I pour boiling water, I can now move out of the way when I spil it.

Being in a wheelchair is not safe, not when you have tendency to drop things, including knives. Though I'm not quite ready for the jump-out-of-the-way moves, as I found out this afternoon when someone couldn't seem to wait for me to cross a driveway, and nearly (not kidding) hit me. This is my new biggest fear - getting hit by a car and breaking my other leg. It's entirely possibly, with how the idiots in this neighbourhood drive.

Today I had another round of xrays, and all looks good. It was so great to see that small gap between my tibia, and ankle-bone-thingy staying put all by itself. I saw some more new growth on my splinter, and also the screw holes look to be just starting to fill in as well. Turns out I had dissolvable stitches, even though they told me I didn't, so showering for the past few days in a plastic bag was all pointless, since when I took the bandage off today, it looked like it did before I even had surgery - ALL HEALED OVER. Nice, since showering in a garbage bag is just so fun and convienient. I was glad to see the xray, though, knowing for myself that they actually took the screws out, since there was no tangible evidence left, and everyone kept saying to me that they took ONE screw out, when there were two.

My joint feels good, my leg is still wobbly, and unstable, but so far so good. I am very sore this evening, since I had to walk quite the distance today. It's so nice how hospital parking is like 500m away from the entrance to the Fracture clinic!

Tomorrow I start physio again, and properly begin this road to recovery. Can't wait!

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On Two Legs

I am amazed at my recovery rate so far. I am by no means "walking" yet, but so close. Less than a week, I hope. It's amazing how quickly muscle deteriorates though too. My physio told me you lose muscle twice as fast as you gain it, so I understand this is going to be a process. My main problem is having enough flex in the joint to be able to complete a proper step, but my other problem is not having the muscle to even support my body enough to stand for that split second on one leg as you walk.

At first I was unable to equally distribute my weight while just standing still. Now, a week later, that's no problem. Five days ago I began walking around the "block". The first time it took me about 45 minutes, and now tonight I did it, and it took me 12 minutes. I'm excited to be able to feel change every day!

It is a weird feeling, though, knowing you cannot support yourself on one leg. It feels so awkward, and my knee sometimes doesn't stay in place, because I have nothing really supporting any of my joints. But I do little heel lifts under my desk while I work, to the point where my leg is shaking from the strain (ha! Shaking at the weight of only itself!), but it's getting better.

It's amazing how fast your body can recover. Like it remembers what it used to do, and how it liked that way better, so even if I did little to help myself along, it still seems like I would recover whether I wanted to or not.

But, we'll see how far along I make it before I plateau...Hopefully I don't. I've seen my swelling just about disappear, and been feeling the strength return in my ankle joint daily, so I am just glad to be almost walking now.

Oh, also, I took some measurements, and my broken side leg has lost 2" circumference on both my calf and quad. But, I suspect that number is also so large due to some gain on my unbroken side. I've been needing to support myself on one leg, and do a lot of balancing, and I've grown a tree trunk. At my best, I was able to hop short distances with no crutches. I've got real good at a one legged shower too. But I am glad those precarious days are gone (though, my first fall in the shower was after I was allowed to weight bare, and was standing on two legs!).

I think by next weeks update, I will be walking without crutches...I hope. I tried tonight...but not quite there yet.

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Surgery!

Wow, that was fast! I've already had my long awaited surgery! Had it today...er technically yesterday now. I slept all evening, and now I am awake...of course. Couldn't manage to sleep the whole night, but hopefully I get tired again soon. I've been so good at sleeping since Jan 15, that I don't know if I will ever be able to make it a day without a nap again.

Anyhow, now the real work begins. I've stood, and taken a step or two, but I think the crutches will be a staple for a little while yet. But standing, by myself, on TWO legs felt incredible. I was so excited to have surgery, I barely slept last night, and it has not disappointed! I can feel that the pins were in fact hindering my motion, and I feel so good now that they're gone. I also feel vindicated that I have not been exaggerating the feeling of my joint just "stopping" at a certain point, and no matter how much physio I did. I feel glad that the dill-weed doctor was wrong, and I am on my way to a normal life again!

Though the road to get here was llloooooonnnggg (and I've barely begun to heal), I've learned a lot about my tolerance! I thought for sure this lack of exercise and getting around was going to depress me, but I've managed to stay on top, despite the frustrations (though I am taking anti-depressants for the nerve pain...). There have been bad days, though, definitely. And I am sure there are a few more to come. I know, big deal, I only broke my ankle, not like I've overcome anything amazing, but pain and frustration are relative, I say, and this has not been easy with all the extra nerve problems I've had.

I'm thankful that my ankle was the only injury that happened, and I will never take walking for granted again.

Ok, now to the fun stuff. They asked me to come in HOURS earlier than I needed to, and I ended up watching terrible morning show tv for 3 hours in the waiting room, not even admitted yet. Then, the gown I get doesn't quite do the trick, especially since I am on crutches, and cannot hold the gown together (which tied at the FRONT!!!) like everyone else was able to, and thus everyone else waiting saw a terrible show of a crippled girl flashing. I was NOT impressed, but you just get over the shame of it all by not looking anyone in the eye, and pretending it didn't happen. Thank goodness I was allowed to keep my underwear on! Ok, seriously, we can't wear our own t-shirt for surgery on an ANKLE?

Anyhow, all went well surgery wise, though I am quote sore again. But nothing that a few days rest won't cure. I am all wrapped up in a thick wad of gauze and padding, and I have another 2 weeks to wait to get the stitches out. That means 2 weeks of showering in a garbage bag again, which I was hoping I would never have to do again, but, I guess I now know what I am doing.


They gave me some morphine pills for the pain before I left, and a little snack, but I was pretty hungry. Now, anesthesia can make you nauseous, but I have never felt that. Morphine on the other hand did make me feel quite nauseous while I was in the hospital, and didn't eat for 2 days because of it. But I also took morphine pills when I got home, and I was fine. We stopped at McD's for a snack...you can see the road I am heading down....which I ate slowly, and didn't near finish before the nausea set in. I warned the hubby he may have to pull over. But I managed to keep my lunch inside me. So we stopped for him to do a few errands. I started to feel sick again, and as soon as he started to drive home, I was again fighting to keep my lunch.

We were not more than 30 seconds from home when I started heaving out of the window, and coating the side of the car. He managed to pull over to a drainage ditch, and I yaked for the next few minutes onto the road. As he pulled over, the coffee he bought promptly dumped down my leg, and I could do nothing to get the burning drink off me, since I was hanging my head out the window, barfing. So, nice ending to an exciting day, huh? I haven't puked since I was in grade 12 (10/11 years ago) and had the flu, and was just bragging about that fact a few days ago. Serves me right. It wasn't horrible though. It was like a chocolate cheeseburger.

So we get home, and Adam washes the car off for me, and washes the coffee from the floor mats, and we decide to head to the beach. He wheels me, as I can't walk just yet, and we come across a little jem of a creature - the echidna. SO CUTE! Luckily, I had brought my camera; unluckily the batteries were dead. So, I took out the battery, and rubbed it between my hands to get a shot or two, and repeated the process (good trick to know if you need to get a few more shots from your camera - heat up the battery with your hands). I managed one flash shot, and the rest are blurry, since it was getting dark, so not a good photo in the bunch, but what a treat! Those little guys are adorable, and I've never seen one in the wild before. I've seen all the other elusive creatures in the wild, like koalas, wallabies and kangaroos (not so elusive), crocodiles, and even platypuses. This little guy didn't seem to have a care in the world, and we could get really close to it. So cute.

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12 Weeks

Here are the 12 week photos. I have not really noticed any improvements in the last 4 weeks, and my nerve pain is slowly returning too. I have still not heard from the pain clinic either. I see the ortho specialists again next friday, so I will raise my concerns again. And I will hopefully be booked in for surgery as well. I am learning to not get my hopes up though.



I am really starting to have a hard time with all this. I never thought a break could be this problematic. Some days are better than others, but I don't really feel like going out at all anymore, and would rather just stay in bed and not be a burden to everyone. I am working, so at least I have that to keep my mind occupied too.

For the first 10 weeks I was fine to let things like cleaning slide, but I am now starting to get very frustrated. There are so many things I cannot do, and the rest Adam helps with, but he's also busy working, and helping me, and between the two of us, it's been really hard to keep a tidy house. For me, it's the grime and dirt that bother me. I don't care so much if there are clothes on the floor, but the salt spray is starting to coat everything, and I guess I've always managed to keep the grime under control with my regular cleaning. I tend to do a little bit of spring cleaning whenever I clean up in general. So things like cupboards, windows and drawers get a cleaning and an organizing more than once a year. The last time I cleaned properly was before Christmas. And living this close to the beach, a cleaning every 4 months is not sufficient.

Then there is the fact that everything I do is an effort. And I have to ask for help all the time. No one likes to feel helpless, and I feel like I am 5 years old again. Everything I do takes longer, makes a bigger mess, and frustrates me. I am constantly running over my toes, and bumping into walls, and trying to maneuver around cupboard doors and my strategically placed chairs with my wheelchair. I am constantly spilling things in my lap, because I can't get out of the way when I drop something. I get splashed in the face whenever I do dishes or make dinner because I am eye level to the sink. It's so GROSS. I save having showers until after dinner now, since I make such a mess. It's amazing how much harder it is to prepare things at eye level. I do stand whenever I can though. Also, while I am on a rant, you would never believe how sweaty wheelchairs are! Try doing some weights while sitting on a vinyl chair with sides in 28 degree C with humidity, and you'll know what I mean.

I really hope I can get back to it soon. This was old weeks ago, and it's just getting that much more frustrating as the days go on.

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